…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
He’s dead
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something