…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.