“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Customize Your Wedding.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol