In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
You Might Also Like
motivation
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m awake but I object,
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”