@VikingBut

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

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@robin_991

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@3sunzzz

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@JediGigi

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

@EllaZee5

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

@The_JRM

The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

@RidiculousSheri

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.