In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

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me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what


I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”


M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you


The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.


Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too


The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.


I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.