hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
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One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park.
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.
I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.