Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’m currently between relationships.
The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.