In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Only short people can save us
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.