In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?