In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Baking is just science you can eat.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
So creative 😂
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.