@AmishPornStar1
@petemandik
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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@petemandik
@pmarca
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
@Brampersandon_
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
@browneyedgirlAM
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”
-marriage
@Chumpstring
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
@JenniferVaz36
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
@badbanana
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
@I_am_carbs
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
@WheelTod
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
@ThRealBallsDeep
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.