Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@pondermymaker

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

@BoomBoomBetty

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

@daemonic3

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

@dadmann_walking

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@HepatitisAtoZ

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

@HuffPostComedy

We like the way Dwight thinks

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.