In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right


A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.


We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”


“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun



My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call


customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer


cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?


Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.