In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Hey I worked for it too!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.