You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You Might Also Like
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…
This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston