@ThisAlexStein: In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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@Bob_Janke: If you immediately tell new people you meet you're allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren't looking.
@ShittyComedian: When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
@EndhooS: Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
@KeetPotato: fiance: "just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he'll agree to marry us" me: "okay" [at church] priest: "it's nice to meet you both" me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] "jesus what happened to this guy?"