Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
#dalle2
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.