In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?