In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Finally!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?