Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I see your IQ test came back negative
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?