Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Just as the prophecy foretold