In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

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I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days


Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.


Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?


Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless


Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.


Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”


hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car


Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?


“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.