When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Retweet to save a life.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[man having a stroke on an airplane]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?
DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try
FA: Please do, hurry!
DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me
Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.
I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.