In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
North and South
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.