In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.


*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”


Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.

So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.


Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.


My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.


“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids


[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really