In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.


My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.


I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.


I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.