In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

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Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”


The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.


Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that


Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on


Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.


Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.


Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.