@Hebafouad21

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

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@beliz69

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”

@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@_troyjohnson

Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.

@AbbyHasIssues

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

@Darlainky

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.