In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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i think both sides are to blame here
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.