@Hebafouad21

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

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@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@3sunzzz

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

@Sickayduh

I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

@mommajessiec

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

@MatCro

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@shutupmikeginn

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

@LuvPug

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog