How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog