@undeadmolly A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
@DumbConfessions [in Paris]
Will you have sex with me?
“No monsieur.”
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
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@undeadmolly 
@upsidedowntrash Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
@_steamy_mac Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
@jergarl Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
@batkaren Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
@prufrockluvsong It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
@WheelTod I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
@daemonic3 WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
@Supafunkadunka Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.