@DumbConfessions
[in Paris]
Will you have sex with me?
“No monsieur.”
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
@pauleggleston
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
@squirrel74wkgn
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
@R_A_Dadass
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
@DeanB15
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. π
@davideastUK
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
@nuttywhippet
My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,
He eats worms.
@AdamTheLobster
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
@daemonic3
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
@pinupteacher
[blind date]
“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
@jakob_huber
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.