Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
You Might Also Like
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
War & Peace
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those