@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.

@wheelswordsmith: australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

@Tmoney68: Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, "YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD," because I am a mature adult.

@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@murrman5: "fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"