@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

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@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@squirrel74wkgn

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. πŸ™

@davideastUK

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@pinupteacher

[blind date]

“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”

*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.

@jakob_huber

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.