@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

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@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@upsidedowntrash

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

@Supafunkadunka

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.