A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Will you have sex with me?
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.