[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.