me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
we r all Mehmet
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*starts throwing a fit*
Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.
Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?