In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching