In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free


[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.


“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.



BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.


*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.


Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?


Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.


What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.


Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?