[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?