A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Barbie gone wild
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.