In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.