*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
Happens to everyone.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
Me: No thanks *click*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?