In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Living the best life.. 😊
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food