*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Welcome to your 40s, if random back pain was money you could get Jeff Bezos to mow your lawn
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.