@joshgondelman

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

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@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@mela_shea

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

@thenatewolf

If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

@portmanteauface

Welcome to your 40s, if random back pain was money you could get Jeff Bezos to mow your lawn

@trevso_electric

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

@aveuaskew

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.