In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now