In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You Might Also Like
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!