In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
When they try to steal your moment.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.