@hashtag_stacks

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

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@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@iwearaonesie

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@click4amanda

Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@pdxjohnny99

This tweet has been brought to you by…

…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

@ThoughtOtter

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.