Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
best first i’ve ever seen
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
October already? What’s next? November????
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?