My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade