You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.