@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

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@sharpular

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

@just1fool

My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.

@GrumpyComments

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@figgled

#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.

@TySmithdrums

“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.

@Crunk_Jews

So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.