@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

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@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@FrazzleMyGimp

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

@WigCannon

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

@Prero22

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@suecorvette

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

@rajaet

There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

@KBChicken75

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.