@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

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@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@gitson_shiggles

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@kashanacauley

Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name

@johnbiehl

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks