Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out