In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.

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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.


Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.


Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*


HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations


It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.


Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.


[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?


[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*


How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.



Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins