In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift