In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance