Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My blood type is b hungry.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
forgive me baja for i have blast
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].