In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Grandmother clock.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My favorite female superhero
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!