In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt