In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
#dalle2
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
an airline just for babies.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.