In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Fight
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.