In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?