in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
You Might Also Like
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.