In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
That’s what I call a flat tire
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
relationship goals
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.