you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Cake safety first. Always.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.