@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

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@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

@ReticentTurnip

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

@codyspencer0

Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.

@ElyKreimendahl

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

@envydatropic

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws