May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.
I’d be considered proper there. Probably.
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[guy behind me observes my groceries]
– frozen meals
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk
Guy: you must be single
Me: haha, how did you know?
Guy: you’re ugly.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup