People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
A friend sent me this.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I’ve been learning to cook.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
That was easy.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red