In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
They got Raph!
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain