I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
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Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
For those of you keeping track, so far:
Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too