[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Yup….perfect score!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”