@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

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@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@Bexdora

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@Sassafrantz

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@ThugRaccoons

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

@Jake_Vig

For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Pandemic
Locusts
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-

STOP

@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@FredTaming

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too