In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
rise and shine we got egg
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.