God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
socratic questions
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner