In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”